


Elegia

by nuclearmuffins



Series: The Caster's Canticle [3]
Category: Dragon Age: Origins
Genre: Angst, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Pre-Relationship, my hand slipped i'm sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-25
Updated: 2019-08-25
Packaged: 2020-09-26 02:35:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,495
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20382265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuclearmuffins/pseuds/nuclearmuffins
Summary: No matter how hard she tries, Aliena Surana is still haunted. (Pre-relationship, mentions of past relationship.)Originally written for a prompt on r/dragonage.





	Elegia

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! This was written for a prompt on r/dragonage, 08/24/19; the original prompt was "Forgiveness? There's some that don't deserve it." Thanks as always to the Discord group for their support and encouragement <3
> 
> Title taken from Elegia - New Order.

“You spared him.”

Aliena nearly jumped at the sudden surprise of hearing Robin’s voice speaking to her, but she swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat, keeping her eyes on the tower beginning to rise over the misty lake in the distance. Just seeing it awoke something in the pit of her stomach, twisting up her insides in a very different way from how Robin used to manage. “I did,” she said under her breath. The two words sounded more like a cough than an intelligible sentence coming out of her. She made a show of clearing her throat, ignoring the likely stares it got from their other companions. Brushing off Leliana's concern with a quick look and a shake of her head her way, and comforting Rabbit’s whine of complaint with a pat, she turned her attention back on Robin, while still gazing out over the horizon. “It was a moment of weakness. It won’t happen again.” At least, that’s what she wanted to tell herself. She had no idea what she would do if he stood before her again with the knife in her hand. 

“All this time you were telling me of all the terrible things you were going to do when you saw him again, and now you found him...” he chuckled, a light, airy sound that just filled her with even more frustration. “It made for a very dramatic moment, with the whole knife clattering to the ground, and him behind bars and at your mercy-”

Aliena clenched her jaw. “Are you just here to badly recount the events of my life to me, Amell?” She nearly winced. She wished she could find the venom she would have seeped into those words before, but evidently, the entire week’s events had drained her of whatever she had, what with entering Redcliffe only to find it besieged by the undead, a sleepless night fending off those hordes from the village, and breaking into the castle only to find a boy-turned-abomination at the heart of it.

She twisted the hem of her roughspun cloak, a far cry from either her Circle robes or the fine Warden armour she had been given at Ostagar, but what she’d worn for the past month or so trying to evade detection by Loghain’s men. She hoped the deathroot sedative she had given Connor was strong enough to keep him asleep until they got back, safe and not hurting anybody else. She didn’t know if taking this chance with the Circle might endanger the people of Redcliffe further, but for the little boy who had just wanted his father to get better… she had to try. She  _ was _ going to try, with every ounce of energy she had. 

_ More lives you’ve destroyed, _ she quietly thought to the person whose name she refused to speak.  _ You’re building quite the list, and this with how bloody incompetent you are.  _

"Mmm. What was it you said to Alistair, Ena? 'You can hunt him yourself if you'd like?' The way he turned bright as a tomato afterwards, and-"

Aliena cast her gaze downwards before screwing up her eyes as tightly as she could as if that little action could block out the memory of those words coming out of her mouth. “I wasn’t thinking about what I was saying.”

“You seemed pretty adamant to defend him then. He was our  _ friend _ , Ena, Jow-”

“Don’t speak his name,” she said in a low tone, almost a growl. “He lost all rights to our friendship when he betrayed our trust.”

When he spoke again, Robin’s voice was suddenly lower, an edge of roughened gravel in his tone. “You can’t keep living like this, Ena. Not speaking his name, forcing yourself to hate him more than you do. He made a mistake, just like I did, you have it in you to forgive him-”

“Forgive him? _ Forgive him? _ ” Aliena nearly wanted to laugh. “There are some people who just don’t deserve it, and he’s at the very top of that list. My mercy was a  _ mistake _ .”

“Ena-” He brushed her arm, light as his first kiss had been, a force so gentle she might have missed it had her mind not been so on edge these past weeks. 

“Stop, Robin, I-” she turned her head up to look at him as she jerked her arm away, her words faltering as she realized who she was looking at.

Alistair’s bewildered eyes stared back at her. “ _ Aliena? _ ”

Aliena stood frozen, suddenly aware that every single one of their party had turned back their gaze onto her. Leliana’s brows furrowed in concern, Sten staring at her, stony-faced and unreadable as always. 

She blinked blearily.  _ Hearing voices again,  _ his _ voice… he’s dead and gone, Aliena, he’s been gone for months now, you can’t keep- _ she took in a breath, trying not to let it shake, as she tried to steady her nerves. Like a sudden shock of static electricity in her mind, she realized it had been Alistair’s touch she had jerked away from; his hand gently brushing her arm she had mistaken for Robin’s, as impossible as that was now.

She didn’t even know what they’d done with Robin’s body after his Harrowing. The days, weeks following had been spent in a drifting daze, not knowing where she was going, what she was saying or doing - and one day she’d gotten out of bed and rolled on a sock and there he was, voice as clear as chimes.  _ Up late again? Better hurry or they’ll run out of the currant buns. _ He’d interjected his comments wherever she went after that - through the misadventure that had conscripted her into the Wardens, through Ostagar and the Wilds, through the chaos of Redcliffe-

Robin was a very persistent ghost. 

“Are you alright?” Alistair asked. His voice, gentle in ways Robin’s never quite managed. 

“I’m fine,” she lied in as placidly of a tone as she could manage, turning for a moment to smile briefly at Leliana and motion for her and Sten to move on ahead. “Just mumbling to myself. Anyways, I, um… wanted to talk to you.”

“Talk to me?” he flashed a quick smile at her. “What about? Stinky Orlesian cheeses? The fun and joy of being a Warden? I can’t promise I’ll have much interesting to say. Unless it’s about cheese. I can go on for a while about that.” 

She wanted to make herself smile in response, but only managed a slight twitch of the corner of her lip. “No, actually, about Redcliffe.” 

Alistair’s smile faltered a bit. “Ah. Look, I-” he scratched the back of his neck, searching for the right words to say. “I appreciate you doing this to try and help Connor. I know the Circle doesn’t hold great memories for you, but… thank you. It means a lot to me.” 

“No, it’s… It’s what I said to you. About… J-Jowan.” She wanted to screw her eyes shut and retreat. The first time speaking his name in months and it felt like a cold oil slick over her tongue, cold and slithering. 

She watched his brows draw together in confusion. “What you said?”

“The thing I said about… you can hunt him yourself if you’d like.” She winced at her words. “I wasn’t thinking of what I was saying...”

“That? No harm done. He was your friend, you had good reason to say those things. Besides,” he broke into a grin, pulling a silver locket on a chain from under his armour. “You made it up to me later.”

“No, I was out of line, and I just wanted to apologize, I…” she trailed off. “Don’t make excuses for me. I don’t want to be like… like Morrigan, apathetic to who her words are hurting.”

“Ena-”

Her heart gave a twitch. Those two syllables strung together sounded something in her chest, making a mess of her nerves, undoing her as a thread pulled from cloth. Her next breath was strangled, nearly silent as she exhaled. “ _ Don’t. _ ” Just that little nickname had nearly sent her hurtling back into the labyrinthian grief she had lost herself in when she had watched them carry out the body from the Harrowing chamber.

Watching Alistair’s face become crestfallen, expression twisting into concern made her heart sink further. Every single time she managed to hurt him she wanted to curse herself. She didn’t mean to, she just- couldn’t. She couldn’t let anyone else in, watch them be hurt, be taken from her-

She put one hand gently on his arm, giving him the tiniest of pushes to nudge him forward. “Come on. We still have the Circle to get to.” 

Robin’s voice was silent as she took another step closer to Kinloch with Alistair at her heels, back to the tower she’d lived so much of her life in.  _ Maybe it’s time to finally return this old ghost to the grave. _

She just wasn’t sure she wanted that.


End file.
